How to be graceful when irritated when the social dynamics are quite volatile these days. People are short-tempered, impatient, lack empathy and compassion, inconsiderate, unhealed and whatnot. However, let’s solve our 80% problems by not playing the blame game and taking some responsibilities into our hands, shall we?
There are many situations where our emotions take over and we lose the stability of our minds and control of the situation. We get irritated, we interrupt another person when they speak, we say things we would never say with a sane mind, we raise our voices, we explain too much etc. and regret later. The subconscious intention behind behaving this way is to be seen, heard and understood. Which is a basic human emotional need. Well, let’s talk about whys and hows here. Why we do it and how to stop doing it.
Think of the roots: How many times we have seen movies where a jerk has been justified by explaining what happened to him in his childhood? Just because we know his past we actually build some sympathy for this jerk, don’t we? We actually need to do this for ourselves. We need to dig into our past to find out where our triggers come from and to do that, we need to be in touch with our feelings and read our thoughts in real-time.
Generally, irritation and aggression come from the space where someone has crossed your boundaries and touched our old wounds, which we didn’t know we had. We don’t actually remember how many times those boundaries have been crossed when we were just a kid. We don’t remember those incidents but our subconscious mind knows that feeling. Hence, when someone triggers something in you that makes you irritated and aggressive, take a pause, take a deep breath and think, what exactly is making you triggered right now?
That pause I am talking about, can make a great impact on the words that are going to come out of your mouth and those words might make a great impact on the other person. That pause is everything at that moment. I know, I know, easier said than done. But keep practicing.
Awareness: I have lived my 20s without actually living it. Let me explain. Have you watched the movie, “Baar Baar Dekho”?
It’s a flop movie and the direction frustrated people a little bit but the plot of the movie was brilliant. The main character Siddharth Malhotra is me in my 20s. Physically there but not really there, only remembers big events and turning points.
The little moments that happen 24 hours a day, he doesn’t remember them. Life is in those little moments people. Self-awareness comes from there. Little moment are registered in your subconscious mind. For me, they come back up again when I took therapy and I was forced to look into my past.
Awareness
When I talk about not being aware and not being there mentally, doesn’t mean I am talking about zoning out. Actually, zoning out could be one of the most aware things you can do, because after zoning out, when you come back, you know that you zoned out for a bit and now you are here, in the present. It makes you realise the present.
Most of us are either living in the past or in the future, the people who live in the present can find awareness. You need to be in touch with what you are feeling right now and observe what you are thinking right now to have awareness. And you need to do this for a long period of time so it becomes a habit, otherwise we keep dwelling into past or future as human beings.
By being present with yourself every moment, you will gave gratitude, abundance and feeling of safety. You will feel very quickly that someone is making you angry or irritated and very quickly you will realise the roots of being triggered and that will quickly calm you down. If you are triggered by someone up to level where you lose the sense of yourself, that means you aren’t fully aware of your thoughts when they are coming to you.
Don’t get me wrong, no one can be perfect. You will overcome one trigger and other will appear and surprise you. Hence, you need to start practicing speaking less, meditate more to observe your thoughts and heal your inner child from past traumas to have a calm mind and heart. Practice setting your priorities and non-negotiables, remind yourself that 90% of the arguments are not even worth having.
Be Vulnerable: You have no idea what power you hold if you lack vulnerability. I have seen many people making the mistake of judging vulnerability as a weakness. Not just people, I am talking about renowned authors as well. But what vulnerability actually is?
Google says It is “The quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed.” Now you must be thinking, how can this be a power? Manisha, now you are talking crazy. Well, let me defend myself below.
Do you know the feeling when you have so many questions/thoughts but you aren’t asking those questions because you are afraid of the answers? Where is this relationship going? What about some raise because I handle 3 departments now? I don’t agree with this. I feel I am being pressured into this, etc. The point is, when you are most afraid of the answers/results, that’s when you need to be most vulnerable and ask/say what you are feeling.
You might not like the answer, you might be taking the bullet by talking about it, but take it. Because, in the long run, it will save you time, it will be easier to make decisions according to the answer/reaction, you will find mental peace, self-love and most important of all, you will be able to draw the boundaries. Your aura will be calm and composed.
People tend to respond greatly to vulnerability and this is why women tend to get things done for themselves easily, more than men because they have a natural gift of putting their ego aside and be vulnerable. However, sadly most women seem to lack this quality these days and that’s why things tend to be harder for such women. However, that’s another topic for another blog.
Therapy: People who think therapy is a disgrace or unnecessary, are the ones who need it the most. Taking care of mental health is extremely important. Therapy time is the time when you are connected to yourself the most. You speak with your heart because you know there will be no judgement coming from the other side.
Sometimes it’s better to speak your heart out with an unknown non-judgemental person rather than with the known judgemental one. Therapy will help you achieve the three points I have mentioned above. Meditation also plays a big role. We forget ourselves in our daily chaos but meditation directs all of our energy back to ourselves, make us see the bigger picture, stabilises our minds, help us prioritize things and most importantly, gives us stillness to deal with everyday chaotic life. I highly recommend doing meditation, journaling and therapy together.
You will be able to understand fights that are worth picking. Most of our irritation and triggering come from our childhood wounding, consciously or subconsciously. Doesn’t matter which family you belong to, doesn’t matter how much money you have gotten or if you are the prettiest woman on the planet, everyone has some unresolved traumas (small or big) that need to be resolved. It doesn’t make you a mental patient, it just makes you just another human being. Hence, till the time your wounds are unhealed, you will feel pain more often and will be triggered quite often.
Femininity: If you have been following my blogs, you will know that feminine qualities are extremely relaxing, to yourself and to others as well. Feminine energy lives in the now, goes with the flow. It is more about being in the body rather than being in the head. Feminine qualities with correct boundaries are extremely fruitful. However, feminine qualities with no boundaries invite all types of bad behaviours and aggressive feminism.
A true feminine high value woman wants her own well being, takes care of herself while keeping compassion, empathy, and kindness for others as well. She has a certain kind of calm demeanour that everyone around her calms down. She is so divine that nobody wants to disrupt the aura she has. And even if the aura gets disrupted, her respectful response can turn the tables.
Practising these things will take you to a level where the outer world can no longer control/affect your demeanour or energy. Check out my YouTube channel where I have videos about feminine communication as well. If you enjoy reading than here is my femininity blog for you.
