Hello to my Sthiirta community. The social dynamics are quite volatile these days. People are short-tempered, impatient, lack empathy, inconsiderate, unhealed and whatnot. However, let’s solve our 80% problems by not playing the blame game and taking some responsibilities into our hands, shall we?
There are many situations where our emotions take over and we lose the stability of our minds and control of the situation. We get irritated, we interrupt another person when they speak, we say things we would never say with a sane mind, we raise our voices, we explain too much etc. The idea behind doing all this is to be understood, heard, and respected. However, in that particular situation, we don’t know how we lose our grace and elegance and peace of mind.
Well, let’s talk about whys and hows here. Why we do it and how to stop doing it.
Think of the roots: How many times we have seen movies where a jerk has been justified by explaining what happened to him in the past? Just because we know his past we actually build some sympathy for this jerk, don’t we? We actually need to do this for ourselves. We need to dig into our past to find out what made us the person that we are today to identify where that irritation is coming from and to do that, we need to be in touch with our feelings and read our thoughts in real-time. Generally, irritation and aggression come from the space where someone has crossed your boundaries and you couldn’t protect them.
We don’t actually remember how many times those boundaries have been crossed when we were just a kid. We don’t remember those incidents but our subconscious mind knows that feeling. Hence, when someone triggers something in you that makes you irritated and aggressive, take a pause and think, what exactly is making you triggered right now? And is it worth it? That pause I am talking about can make a great impact on the words that are going to come out of your mouth and those words might make a great impact on the other person. That pause is everything at that moment.
Awareness: I have lived my 20s without actually living it. Let me explain.
Have you watched the movie, “Baar Baar Dekho”?
It’s a flop movie and the direction frustrated people a little bit but the plot of the movie was brilliant. The main character Siddharth Malhotra is me in my 20s. Physically there but not really there, only remembers big events and turning points. The little moments that happen 24 hours a day, he doesn’t remember. Life is in those little moments people. Self-awareness comes from there. The Little decisions you make 24 hours a day lead to big decisions. Hence, You need to really observe your brain what it is thinking and why it is thinking that. It sounds quite complicated but it’s not, it runs on autopilot once you get the awareness. Your brain is making things into reality and you don’t even know what it is thinking and why it is thinking that. This leads to self-sabotaging unknowingly.
When I talk about not being aware and not being there mentally, doesn’t mean I am talking about zoning out. Actually, zoning out could be one of the most aware things you can do, because after zoning out, when you come back, you know that you zoned out for a bit and now you are here, in the present. It makes you realise the present. Most of us are either living in the past or in the future, the people who live in the present can find awareness. When you feel what you are feeling right now and observe what you are thinking right now can awareness be found. And you need to do this for a long period of time so it becomes a habit, otherwise we keep dwelling into past or future as human beings. By being present with yourself every moment, you will feel very quickly that someone is making you angry or irritated and very quickly you will realise the roots of being triggered and that will quickly calm you down.
Be Vulnerable: You have no idea what power you hold if you don’t know how to be vulnerable. I have seen many people make the mistake of judging vulnerability as a weakness. Not just people, I am talking about renowned authors as well. But what vulnerability actually is?
Google says It is “The quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed.” Now you must be thinking, how can this be a power? Manisha, now you are talking crazy. Well, let me tell you how.
Do you know the feeling when you have so many questions/thoughts but you aren’t asking those questions because you are afraid of the answers? Where is this relationship going? What about some raise because I handle 3 departments now? I don’t agree with this. I feel I am being pressured into this, etc.
The point is, when you are most afraid of the answers/results, that’s when you need to be most vulnerable and ask/say what you are feeling. You might not like the answer, you know that you might be taking the bullet by talking about it, but take it. Because, in the long run, it will save you time, it will be easier to make decisions according to the answer/reaction, you will find mental peace, self-love and most important of all, you will be able to draw the boundaries.
When someone says that they are confused about you or they want to casually date, now you know your answer/decision and what you need to do or say next. The same goes for every situation. This is a very surface-level example by the way. You will have many moments in a day where you need to step up for your own needs, listen to your self and say exactly how you are feeling and it has to be related to your decision. You cannot be like, “Oh I think you are stupid.” Nobody asked for your opinion on what you think of them. Talk about yourself and what you want, when asked. Speak honestly, not for others but for yourself. People tend to respond greatly to vulnerability and this is why women tend to get things done for themselves easily, more than men because they have a natural gift of vulnerability. However, sadly most women seem to lack this quality these days and that’s why things tend to be harder for such women. However, that’s another topic for another blog.
By being vulnerable, you are saying what you want to say and mentioning clearly what your needs are, which automatically makes you less irritated when someone crosses your boundaries.
Therapy: People who think therapy is a disgrace or unnecessary, are the ones who need it the most. Taking care of mental health is extremely important. Therapy time is the time when you are connected to yourself the most. You speak with your heart because you know there will be no judgement coming from the other side. Sometimes it’s better to speak your heart out with an unknown person rather than with the known one. Therapy will help you achieve the three points I have mentioned above. Before starting my therapies, I already started meditation and that already did speed up my process when I started taking therapy because I was already halfway there. We forget ourselves in our daily chaos but meditation directs all of our energy back to ourselves, make us see the bigger picture, stabilises our minds and help us prioritize things. You will be able to understand fights that are worth picking. Most of our irritation and triggering come from our childhood wounding, consciously or unconsciously. Doesn’t matter which family you belong to, doesn’t matter how much money you have got or if you are the prettiest woman on the planet everyone has some unresolved traumas (small or big) that need to be resolved. It doesn’t make you a mental patient, it just makes you unhealed. Hence, till the time your wounds are unhealed, you will feel pain more often and will be triggered quite often.
Femininity: If you have been following my blogs, you will know that feminine quality are extremely relaxing, to yourself and to others as well. Feminine qualities with correct boundaries are extremely fruitful. However, feminine qualities with no boundaries invite all types of bad behaviours and aggressive feminism.
A true feminine high value woman wants her own well being, takes care of herself while keeping compassion, empathy, and kindness for others as well. She has a certain kind of calm demeanour that everyone around her calms down. She is so divine that nobody wants to disrupt the aura she has. And even if the aura gets disrupted, her respectful response can turn the tables.
Practising these things will take you to a level where the outer world can no longer control/affect your demeanour or energy.