7 things to vet during early dating (Dating to marry) to avoid the exhaustion and frustration of dating. If you want to avoid feeling like you will never find the right one? All men are feminine today? They are not consistent, they want to split the bill, don’t treat you gently, seems like you are going to die alone etc. The complaints about men never seems to end, does it?
Here are 7 things you need to check before you get into a relationship with him. When we check these things early on, dating seems easy and you save a lot of time, energy and emotions that you were going to invest in a wrong person.
Attachment Style: You will be able to read a person almost like a book if you learn how to identify their attachment style. It connects back to our childhood. Psychologists say that our attachment style is formed from 0 to 2 years of age. I didn’t believe it before but started believing it when I started observing little kids around me and observing how much they have already adopted from their parents’ behaviour. Attachment styles plays a crucial role when it comes to relationships. Any kind of relationship. It basically determines how do we actually attach with other people.
We have 4 different attachment styles. Avoidant attachment, Anxious attachment, Fearful avoidant (Disorganised) and Secure attachment.
Apart from the secure attachment style, other three attachment styles are insecure attachment styles. Of course the secure attachment is the most desired one. But it doesn’t make other three attachment styles bad until and unless the person is working on it and aware of it. Observe which attachment style the person you started dating has. If it’s an insecure one then see how defensive they are when you tell them (even with compassion) what genuinely bothers you about their behaviour. Are they able to take it well and try to change it to keep you happy or they are just simply defensive and put the blame write back on you.
Photo by Annette Sousa on Unsplash
Definitely keep checking yourself as well, if you are the one who is doing it. Don’t be so quick in judging anyone or yourself, we all have all types of attachment styles within us but one of them is the dominant one. You need to find that dominant attachment style in the other person and yourself as well, if you haven’t already. If you want detailed information about attachment style, READ HERE. You can also read the book Attached. The most wonderful book out there about understanding attachment styles. You will learn about yourself and humans in general a lot when you will learn about attachment theory.
Does he have provider mentality: Men who talk like, what women bring to the table? Men who wants to split the bill, I want you to stop calling them Men. Real men get embarrassed if they have to talk like this. Men who have seen good female examples and healthy relationships growing up, already knows what women bring to the table. Healthy relationships where the father was a healthy masculine provider and the mother was protected with her feminine qualities. A relationship where woman brought peace, happiness, health and wealth to everyone’s lives in the family.
A real man already knows a woman simply multiply what he gives her. He may not be able to put it in words but his actions will show the respect for you. If a man is behaving frugal and stingy not because he actually doesn’t have money or resources to spend but because he don’t want to do it for you or he believes women also need to bring half on the table in terms of everything. This boy is not ready to be a MAN yet. Leave him alone and save your time. Stop trying to explain how it works, why he need to do it or how man and woman relationships work. Do you want to be his partner or teacher? Decide. I would highly recommend reading the book WHY MEN LOVE BITCHES.
Does your values align: Imagine you are on a lunch or dinner date with him. He orders a lot of unhealthy food for himself because his eating disorder makes him believe that he is a foody. He doesn’t have any mindset for health at all. After asking few relevant questions you found out that this is his lifestyle and not just once in a while scenario because he is on a date with you. If you are a healthy living kind of person, you will be a health “freak” for him. If you get married to him, this junk food will be your and your children’s lifestyle. Bam!! your values don’t align.
Anything you value a lot and will have a problem with, when the other person have it or don’t have it, is your non negotiable and it need to be checked pretty quickly while dating. Religious values, financial values, growth values, sexual values, everything that affect or influence your life greatly need to be discussed early on to save time. Stop trying to gaslight yourself or manipulate yourself into a relationship with a wrong man, just because you want it so bad. Wait until the right one comes along.
Is your future going in same direction: When you will get to know yours and his values and if they align or not, it will be easier for you to know if your future goes in same direction. If you want kids and he doesn’t, your future is not aligned. If you are a career woman and he himself owns probably 10 businesses and he needs someone to take care of home and kids but you can’t be that woman, your future don’t align. If he is damn rich and just wants a feminine woman who knows how to gracefully receive, but you have been into your masculine energy all your life, then your future don’t align. Sometimes you need to accept it the way it is and sometimes you need to change your present to change your future. Read my blog about the art of receiving from a man.
Is he gentle with you: A man who haven’t learn to be gentle with women, will give his woman a harsh life and will put her into her masculine energy and then he himself will complain about it later or might cheat on her because he doesn’t feel that spark anymore. Treating a woman gently definitely includes talking to her softly and touching her gently but it is way more than that. He need to take care of himself first, in order to treat her gently.
For example, a man who have always gotten the harsh life and his emotions are not in place because he was taught men don’t cry and men solve problems alone, he will take out those suppressed emotions on his woman unknowingly buy yelling, shouting, being loud for no reason, physical abuse can also come into picture. The most masculine man has the courage to love, has the courage to feel his own emotions and allowing them to process without an ego and then standing up like a strong pillar for his woman and family.
Unfortunately, It takes a lot of time for a man to understand that feeling his own emotions and being gentle with himself doesn’t make him less of a man, but dwelling on that does. Truly loving others always comes from loving yourself first. his emotions might make him feel like everything is falling apart because he finally allowed himself to feel all of it, but this is what it takes to stand back up again with complete acceptance for who you are.
One need to go through this process to see all the angelic and demonic parts of themselves to be gentle with themselves and others. This was the deep explanation to it. The simpler ways to check these things is to see what manners he has, it will show you his upbringing. How he talk to you, treat you and make you feel and others consistently, will show you, how it’s going to be in a relationship with him.
Is he ready: Listen up ladies, stop taking it personally when a man says, he is not ready for the relationship. Believe him instead. Either he is telling you indirectly that you are not the one for him (which saved you time) or he is genuinely not ready. Men need to feel not just emotionally ready but financially ready as well to get married to a woman. Doesn’t matter if you are ok with his financial condition, he might have some expectations with himself as well. If he didn’t do what he genuinely want to do before getting married, he won’t be entirely happy in that marriage. Doesn’t matter how stupid and unnecessary you feel his reasons are, it’s important for him. So respect it.
It’s actually a sign of a good man if he feels this way. It shows that he wants to treat his woman good. He might not be aware of it consciously but again I would say, his actions will show it to you. There are many man out there who just want to get married without giving their woman any financial, emotional and physical safety. These men are takers and will put you into your masculine energy. Look for a man who wants to be a husband and doesn’t just want a wife. There is a difference.
Can you trust/submit to him: After vetting all the criteria above, I want you to look within yourself now. In a relationship, trust and submission go hand in hand, at least for a woman. So ask yourself, can you trust him and can you submit to him. My dating life became really easy after I asked these two questions with myself. We can go into any direction when we talk about trust and submission in a man but eventually it boils down to safety.
The moment a woman feels emotionally, physically and financially safe with a man, it becomes easier for her to submit to him. And that’s all you need to know as a woman, if you can trust and submit to a man.
If the word Submission is triggering you, or you want detail information, then you can read my blog to understand what exactly it means and why it is needed in a romantic relationship. Click here for the blog.
When you are able to vet a man properly and have the abundance mindset that screams, “If not this man then some other man” I promise you, you will never complain to or about a man ever again and dating will be a pleasant experience for you.
