Most women have this problem, where they start crying while expressing themselves in an argument. No one takes your words seriously until you start crying. The man in your life or any family member will stop the argument and start listening to you carefully when you start yelling, screaming, and crying your eyes out. It is a lot to just get heard. If you relate to this, keep reading because in this article we will get to the root cause where this comes from and how to rectify this so people start respecting your words without you draining so much energy.
Fear of abandonment: Let’s peek into childhood a little bit. When you were a little girl, you were appreciated when you did what was told to you or expected out of you but you were punished when you followed your own lead and did what you wanted to do. Punishment could be anything, either the silent treatment or you got a slap or two. The love you got was conditional for whatsoever reason. Might be possible you grew up with a foster family and your real parents unfortunately died when you were a child.
Every child wants to be loved and wants to be in their parent’s good books. So you won’t do anything or say anything that upsets your caregivers. There was a fear that developed in you that if you say something that upsets the caregivers you will be punished (abandoned). So you kept everything inside until the punishment came into the picture. They will either stop talking to you, or won’t feed you, or won’t let you play with friends, or lock you in your room, without any solution or proper conversation. All of these punishments make the child feel abandoned by their parents and to get out of the punishment you start protecting yourself and survival mode kicks in. Now you are trying to explain your point but no one is listening until you yelled, creamed, and cried your eyes out. This kind of practice gave you two things, FEAR OF ABANDONMENT and LACK OF VULNERABILITY.
Lack of Vulnerability: You must be thinking, if crying is a major part of this process then how do you lack vulnerability? Well, it’s a myth that people who cry are always vulnerable. Sometimes crying comes from insecurity and fear of abandonment and lack of vulnerability. You have been trained unknowingly to keep everything inside until you get punishment from others. You need to realize that keeping everything you feel inside is actually the punishment you are giving to yourself.
When the man in your life pulls away a little bit, or someone is not talking to you for some time for whatsoever reason, or if you are not included in some group of friends, or there is a heated argument or silence after it, this feels like punishment to you and you try to get out of this punishment by speaking something stupid or wrong that you don’t even mean. You try too hard to make everything okay but you don’t know how exactly to be vulnerable and say the right thing in the middle of the conversation or after it, without shedding some tears.
How to be vulnerable: Vulnerability comes from getting in touch with yourself and how you feel. Vulnerability means, saying how you feel exactly when you feel it. And to do that, you need to be self-aware of how you feel at that particular moment. Getting in touch with yourself is the most important part of femininity and vulnerability is a basic part of feminine nature. You are crying because you want to be vulnerable but you can’t because of the fear you have. When men can’t speak their hearts out, they don’t generally cry. How many men you have seen crying during an argument because they don’t feel heard? I have seen none. Being vulnerable is the most basic and powerful part of femininity that you need to embrace.
When you can’t say what you want to say and exactly when you want to say it, it stays inside of you and eat you alive. But a feminine secure woman who has the power of vulnerability will behave like this:-
Him: I don’t understand what you do all day. You are not even working. You just have to take care of the kids and cook food, how come you are so tired?
Her: The fact that you don’t see any value in what I do all day, makes me feel hurt and devalued and I don’t appreciate it. I would like Saturday and Sunday off like you get because I am tired.
She doesn’t beat around the bush, she doesn’t take it so personally and starts screaming and yelling because she understands it’s his point of view and nothing related to what she actually does. She understood at that particular moment that she felt devalued but still didn’t justify it or said anything that fuel the fight like, “Then you handle the children and see how difficult it is”
She likes what she does, she sees great value in what she does and it is okay to feel tired while doing it and seeking a little help and vacation. She knows, if she stops doing her job, his world will come crashing down in one day. She understands that It’s his responsibility to have some empathy and not pick on little things for the job that she gets no vacation from.
Actions to become vulnerable: Meditation and journaling have been proven very effective so far for me. Meditation makes you aware of your thoughts and journaling helps you get more clarity on your thoughts and feelings.
After reaching a certain stage, meditation gives your mind stillness and when your mind is in that state, you can think and feel clearly without any heaviness in your energy. You become very calm, aware and will have clarity in life. Your feelings become uncomplicated. The more still your mind is the more vulnerable you will be. You need to remind yourself constantly that you are worthy of expressing yourself to meet your needs. Love yourself enough to walk away from those who don’t respect your needs even after you express them.
One more very important thing I want you to practice. I want you to give words to your feeling.
When someone said this, I felt ashamed, I felt angry, I felt sad. I felt devalued, I felt abandoned, etc.
Example: When I fell down in front of everyone, I felt embarrassed, but everyone was very kind and didn’t make me feel bad about it, so I felt loved and respected.
These practices will help you realize the feelings and emotions that you are going through right now and help you be vulnerable at the right time so you will be able to express yourself without any tears and heaviness later. Check out my youtube video here to get rid of the fear of abandonment.
Very well written. Relatable and helpful.